there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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