porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
