I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
