Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Randomize
