oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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