if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
