Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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