I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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