and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
