My underwear smells like fireworks.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
