I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
