i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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