Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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