Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
