The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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