I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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