Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
