I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
