I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
