i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
