I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
