Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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