I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
