Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
