u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
