I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
