SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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