your parents love me but you hate me
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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