He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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