Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
someone threw a dead crab at me
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
