So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
