nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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