im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize