it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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