i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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