I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
