Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
