i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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