No stitches, just platelets and will power
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
