I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
