How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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