she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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