I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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