Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
