I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I stole a fireplace last night.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
