um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
