True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Randomize
