Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
