ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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