a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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