this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
