remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
