He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
