No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
