shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize