Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Randomize
