im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
