update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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