I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize