Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
we're so committed to being not committed
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
