i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
