Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize