i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
