Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I came so hard my ears popped.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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