Your face is a jimmy john
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize