so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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